this meaning keeping up with posting. XD i'm still alive, still avoiding capitalization, and still lacking a working computer of my own (which is one of the main reasons why i'm still so lazy with posting.)



let's see, i'll go through the noteworthy things that have happened to me since i've last posted. not that i think anyone will really read this, but whatever.



in the last post, i was whining about how mike has just broken up with me the second time. he left me for sam, again. very shocking, i know. since then, we haven't talked so much. he tried to get me back around may, i refused. the main reason for that would be cush. stephen cushley to be exact, but i like his nickname better. we got together just when i was getting over mike, and he's the awesome guy-version of me. this is where i'm not going to spout out an epic mushy love poem of doom. :D be glad, because it would probably suck a lot.



since my computer being completely dead since last october or so, i still haven't gotten a new one. i was planning on saving up for a macbook, but since i'm only making so much money i have to put it away to pay for college in september. which is still a little iffy at the moment. i might wait until springtime, so i can safely afford all of it. my lack of transportation to and from classes is also another reason i'm thinking of putting it off. it all depends on the rest of the summer, which isn't a lot of time to sort things out.



i've been slacking on everything. everything being writing, fanfiction, fandom, bandom, graphic design, etc. everything i used to do while sitting on my ass in front of my computer all day. it kind of makes me sad that i don't have the time or means to do any of it anymore, but part of me knows that if i got back into it, i wouldn't leave my house. i would sit here all day on LJ XD and never ever leave.



i'm working at the boardwalk again this summer, and i'm there practically every day of my life. all day. i really like working there, it's fun. just not 24/7. it leaves me no time for anything else, or anyone else.



i'm still going to rocky horror picture show every friday night. XD it's a lot of fun. i really hated not going in the winter because i was so broke from not working. now i'm there every week again. it also helps that cush is in the cast so i get to see him in drag every friday. :D



i'm off to vacation again, leaving tomorrow at 9:30AM. XD that's what time the plane leaves, so me and chris have to be there two hours earlier. XD i'm going to be up late for rocky anyway, so i'm just going to stay up. this reminds me of last year, the night before we left for vacation to florida, my brother took me to rocky my very first time. we stayed out at IHOP until about 8AM and then went straight on the plane. XD this year we're headed to colorado, which only makes me think of 3OH!3 and have the urge to listen to Colorado Sunrise while watching one. i have to go and make coffee for the madre as usual, and then cush is picking me up. so my little LJ recap of the past few months of my life is done for now. :D but whenever i get a chance i will post again and talk about work some more, i didn't even get into this year's foreigners. XD and there's a LOT to say about a couple of them. XD

Eleven eleven and I'm thinking of you even though you're thinking of her. I guess this just about sums up our entire relationship. You wish you had never met her, and in some ways I wish I had never met you. You used me, at least have the balls to admit it. This hurts less the second time around, but still fucking hurts. You still want to be friends, big surprise there. I don't know if I can do it. I love you, even if you can never get your heart back from her. It's hopeless to want you still but it's not like I can help it. You can't expect me to be happy, how dare you ask me if I'm mad at you. What did you think was going to happen, we'd be perfectly fine pretending that everything's alright? Maybe you're okay with this, but I'm not. I told myself I could let you go if I needed to. Now I guess I have to put it to the test.

Much much fun. I stayed home on Thursday, but had to go to school Friday so I would be allowed to go to Angela's birthday party that day. I went to the boardwalk after school with Paige Mary and Bri, they all got hired and I told Hank I was coming back to work there again. I was supposed to go to Babies-R-Us with Mary to get a present for Jess, but her mom couldn't drive us. Then I met up with Mike, and we went to Angela's for the party. It was a lot of fun, and I still think that chocolate fountains are the best inventions ever. Mike came home with me and I convinced my mom to let him stay over for once. We stayed up super late, but of course I woke up by twelve. If I had been actually thinking and had not been distracted by him, I could have gone to Jess's baby shower at three. But instead I totally forgot it was Saturday, and thought it was Sunday. So we just hung around for a while until he went home, then I realized I was really late. I told Jess I couldn't make it, but I would drop off the present after my brother got his car jumped. I got a cute little blanket at Kohl's and dropped it off at her house. Vinny was there with her and I thought it would be awkward, but it wasn't. Then I stayed home and watched some tv with my mom before heading to bed. Woke up today still feeling sick, and I really need to steal that Vick's stuff from Mike so I can breathe. My computer's still not working, so I'm getting on my dad's whenever I can. It's been almost six months since it stopped working, and I'm surprised I'm not more upset about it. I was in the beginning, but I guess it's better for me to not be sitting on the computer all day anyway. Only now I'm usually sitting around watching tv with my mom all day. XD Like I am right now. America's Next Top Model marathons are on every Sunday, all day long. :D

a few weeks later and i'm more than alright. it was hell there for a while, but things are back to normal. this normal is different from before, but similar to these past few months. things are alright with us, we're tentative and unsure but we hide it well. i pretend that i have no doubts, no questions, no feelings of betrayal still lingering around. i wish i could know what you're thinking, how you feel. you're so hard to read and it bothers me that i don't know how to fix things or if they even need it. there are moments between us where i'm unsure what to do because it feels like old times and then i remember that it's different. then i think, what's so different about it? so you left me for a few days to sort yourself out and figure out that you aren't still in love with your ex-girlfriend. still pretty shitty that you ditched me so fast to do it, but how do i know what was going through your head? you answered my questions, apologized, and gave me my time to think it over. what more do i want? for it to have never happened maybe, but it's done now. i think the best i can do is leave it alone and not let it ruin what's left. what i can't figure out is if it's a good thing to let this go, or if it's a mistake that i'm going to regret later.

today was the shittiest day i've had in a long while. i don't even want to think about it, but i can't get it out of my head. i was just a replacement for another. he tells me that he doesn't want me to think that everything that happened between us was fake, then ten minutes later he's back with her. a little fucked up, that he didn't even have the decency to be honest about it. i don't know what to say or do when i see him tomorrow. avoiding him seems like a good plan, but that's not going to work forever. i just don't think i can face it yet.

So I'm a little late, as it was written a few months ago, but still. This is only one of the reasons he's my absolute favorite.

It's been a while since I've posted. There's really nothing for me to post about that isn't terribly pathetic and/or depressing. Because I suck that much. XD I'm trying to focus on designing right now instead of writing, but who knows. If I get the inspiration then I'll finish up some stuff.

I also made my friend a pretty sweet mixtape, but it's too big for me to upload to FileDen, so there goes my idea of putting it up here. >.>

oh, how I love these boys.

♥

i guess i'm tired of not posting.

i've been missing out on so much because of my computer crapping out. i had to go back to my older one that sucks more than i remember, and the wireless card is half broken. so i only get internet when i'm lucky, which is also less often than i seem to remember.

home again, home again. it was nice to get away for a week and see all the people i never get to see. disney hasn't changed since last time, though i have.

giant pocky, and yes it is quite huge.

reading some fic again, which is nice. i hardly realized how much i missed it.

listening to some music that should not be as addicting as it is. everyone is looking at me weird for it, but i don't care, i don't.

there's this one song that makes me feel guilty and i can't stop listening to it, can't stop torturing myself. i think i might deserve it.

quick, I have an emergency. does anyone have an mp3 of The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know? it's the only song I don't have and I have no means of downloading it myself.

been messing around with livejournal all day. fixing layouts, getting things all nice and prettied up. except of course for this journal. i'll get to it tomorrow or something. i've been meaning to do so many things lately and i always end up just sitting around on my dad's computer doing nothing but avoid what i have to do. and now my dad is home, so i have to get off the computer.

a wish; gregory and the hawk.

I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
I’m thinking about how you care half as much for me
while I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...

and I guess it doesn’t matter what I say or what I seem
you stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
ignoring me the morning after
isn’t enough
and I swear I’m gonna cry.
I’m sick of trying to be tough.

and my blood won’t stick
to the confines of my veins.
and your heart
is gonna tear mine away.

and I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
and I’m thinking about how you care half as much for me
while you lift up my shirt after asking politely.

and I guess it doesn’t matter what I am or pretend to be
cause it’s her you’ll always love and it’s her I’ll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won’t keep me up.
but I swear I’m gonna cry.
I’m sick of trying to be tough.

and my blood won’t stick
to the confines of my veins.
and your heart
is gonna tear mine away.

and it’s hard to find
what I want
when it’s buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
to help lift it with machines
but I’m not sure you’d cooperate.
not sure you’d come clean.

and I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
and I’m thinking about how you care half as much for me
as I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

and I guess it doesn’t matter what I say or what I seem
you stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
ignoring me the morning after isn’t enough
and I swear I’m going to cry.
I’m sick of trying to be tough.

yeah, I swear I’m gonna cry.
I’m sick of trying to be tough.

and my blood won’t stick
to the confines of my veins.
and your heart
is gonna tear mine away.

is gonna tear mine away.

ink bleeding from my fingertips,
dripping words on my paper skin,
spilling my veins out, phrase by phrase.

Haven't been writing in a while. This is the first thing I've come up with that sounds not so shitty to me.

City of Ashes was wonderful, but I don't like the idea of waiting a year for the next book to come out. Especially with that fucking cliffhanger. Ugh.

I'm at the point where I don't even know what to say anymore, if I should say anything at all. No one seems to be listening, and if they are I feel as if it's out of pity. Stupid fucking drama shit needs to end.

There's only a moment I truly regret, and I'm sorry I didn't have the sense to say what I was thinking.

Blah blah whine whine whine. I'm tired of this.

I go bizarre for FBR. (and certain California girls that make me feel lovely inside.) ♥

my heart, it's exploding. i haven't been on the internet for like three days, and when i come back the first thing i hear is fall out boy singing michael jackson. <333333333 oh boys, how do you make me smile so much.

I have a new layout, omg! I love it, it took me forever to make. ugh, the coding for LJ is such a bitch, it took me hours to get used to. but whatever, it looks awesome. at least I think so. >.>

I suddenly decided that I wanted to listen to Almost Here on repeat. XD brings back memories of first listening to this album, which is surprising because I had no idea it had been so long and things had changed so much since. my brain has also decided that lots and lots of angsty bill/tom fic needs to be written like um. now. (the lyrics, you guys. the lyrics, they're fucking begging for it.) which is really not working out with me, because I have millions of other things I want to write (like spencer/jon! omg, the spencer/jon.) and tons of school work, and cleaning my room yet again, and making time for my friends, and jfkldsjfl. ugh. I hate my brain, fr srs. speaking of, I also hate my stomach. because it has no idea wtf it's doing. I feel super hungry all the time, and then when I try to eat it's all like "um no wtf are you doing you're not hungry." so I end up barely eating at all. D: I also hate how I just had an awesome idea for this adorable spencer/jon and my brain is all like "YAY OMG let's write this -- oh god, wait. I have to sleep. now. FUCK FIC." D: HATEHATEHATE.

that is all.

tagged by hikarinotabi to list seven facts.

1. I talk to myself constantly, and it takes control for me to not do it in front of other people.
2. I feel naked when I don't wear a hoodie.
3. My hair never does what I want it to do, and I'm never happy with it.
4. I can't stop biting my nails, no matter how hard I try.
5. I feel like a different person when I'm around other people, I'm completely different on my own.
6. For the past six months or so, I can't stand looking in the mirror. I don't have a reason why.
7. I have too many clothes, but I can never find anything I want to wear.

I'm too lazy to tag other people, and there's no one I really wanna hear from. :P

this is me celebrating the return of my photoshop. :]



mikey way, how so hot? and spencer smith, your smile is like the sun. jeezzz. I love that picture of gerard, but it's of such crappy quality that it annoys me. D:

you look to me, expecting something that I can't give. I can't bring myself to meet your eyes. "go, everyone's waiting for you." everyone isn't who you want, but I can't help that. a moment... and you turn away, leaving the door open behind you as if an invitation to follow. you know that I won't.

well I've been dead recently. XD but here, my reason for posting before I go do my 6 page paper due tomorrow.

I found Brendon singing Round Here by Counting Crows. I sdlkfjds. can't stop listening to it. :]

and I'm pretty sure my internet is fixed, so I'll be on a lot more.

peace for now.