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I don't know what to do. I am lost.
22 June 2010 @ 07:56 pm
i'm lounging around on my bed on cush's laptop which he left with me for the day, sort of as a bribe to clean up my room. XD it's looking a little better, i can actually see the floor so that's a start. so it's about time for another random update on my life.

still no computer of my own, obviously since i'm using cushy's. i really miss photoshop, but i'm working on commandeering it from john and putting it on this computer. i'm currently not in school, since i fucked up last fall. i took the spring & summer semesters off and am planning on going back in september hopefully, though that all depends on financial aid. i missed the renewal date for the grant that chris and i both got. so i'm not sure if they'll pay for it. if not then i'll just have to wait. i'm working at the portrait studio with john and allura, and the boardwalk as well when i can manage. i don't want to work a million hours at the boardwalk as usual, and it's easier to do that when i have another job to blame it on. XD

cush and i have been dating for almost 15 months now, and it's the most awesome thing i've ever experienced. i feel like half a person without him, and i would really love to move out with him. we want to by the end of this year, but it all depends on money. i really need to start saving my money instead of spending it on silly things like i usually do. this year has sped by, it's already more than halfway through. i don't know how this always ends up happening to me, i don't pay attention and time flies right by me.

i really have to jump in the shower, i'm sweaty and gross from cleaning before and cush's coming to pick me up soon. so adios for now, and i'm sure i'll update this in another couple months. XD not that anyone really reads it, but that's okay. :]
Current Music: mayday parade - black cat.
28 November 2009 @ 02:59 am
so i'm currently sitting in cush's room with him and james watching them play call of duty. i'm full beyond belief, mostly because i just ate another slice of pumpkin pie with the most delicious homemade whipped cream. i went through two dinners today, one at cush's around 5ish, then another at my house around 7. the food was all so good but now my stomach hates me.

i have work tomorrow 12-8, which is probably not going to be very fun. work on a daily basis lately has been hectic and it's only going to get worse as christmas gets closer. taking pictures of small screaming children and dealing with bitchy screaming parents is not really appealing on any other day though. hopefully it will be a good day with allura laurian and john there though. we always manage to have a good time. i also have work 12-8 on saturday, and those two days in a row are killer. i don't know if i'm going to be at rocky this friday or not since cush is taking a couple months off of cast and he's not planning on going. i'll find something to do though, i always do.

i have to find some time this weekend to do my homework though, i'm missing a lot of essays for class. i need to write 3 essays for english, and i know i have to catch up on a lot for history, anthropology, and psych. all my classes pretty much. XD i'm so bad at this, but i'm trying to be good and at least make it to all my classes. skipping is a bad habit.

i need to think of something good to get cush for his birthday on monday, i've already given him a pair of gloves (which he pretty much just stole from me), and i told him i'd take him out to get his piece fixed finally. i also got a 3D nightmare before christmas poster for myself and he commandeered that one too. he's already planning on where to hang it on his wall. then i have to think of something for christmas in less than a month.

i'm in the mood to download some music, so i can have a better selection on my phone to listen to. i really need to buy an ipod soon, along with my macbook for school. i can just never seem to find the time to do all of this.

adios for now, i'll update again sometime soon.
17 July 2009 @ 08:47 pm
this meaning keeping up with posting. XD i'm still alive, still avoiding capitalization, and still lacking a working computer of my own (which is one of the main reasons why i'm still so lazy with posting.)

let's see, i'll go through the noteworthy things that have happened to me since i've last posted. not that i think anyone will really read this, but whatever.

in the last post, i was whining about how mike has just broken up with me the second time. he left me for sam, again. very shocking, i know. since then, we haven't talked so much. he tried to get me back around may, i refused. the main reason for that would be cush. stephen cushley to be exact, but i like his nickname better. we got together just when i was getting over mike, and he's the awesome guy-version of me. this is where i'm not going to spout out an epic mushy love poem of doom. :D be glad, because it would probably suck a lot.

since my computer being completely dead since last october or so, i still haven't gotten a new one. i was planning on saving up for a macbook, but since i'm only making so much money i have to put it away to pay for college in september. which is still a little iffy at the moment. i might wait until springtime, so i can safely afford all of it. my lack of transportation to and from classes is also another reason i'm thinking of putting it off. it all depends on the rest of the summer, which isn't a lot of time to sort things out.

i've been slacking on everything. everything being writing, fanfiction, fandom, bandom, graphic design, etc. everything i used to do while sitting on my ass in front of my computer all day. it kind of makes me sad that i don't have the time or means to do any of it anymore, but part of me knows that if i got back into it, i wouldn't leave my house. i would sit here all day on LJ XD and never ever leave.

i'm working at the boardwalk again this summer, and i'm there practically every day of my life. all day. i really like working there, it's fun. just not 24/7. it leaves me no time for anything else, or anyone else.

i'm still going to rocky horror picture show every friday night. XD it's a lot of fun. i really hated not going in the winter because i was so broke from not working. now i'm there every week again. it also helps that cush is in the cast so i get to see him in drag every friday. :D

i'm off to vacation again, leaving tomorrow at 9:30AM. XD that's what time the plane leaves, so me and chris have to be there two hours earlier. XD i'm going to be up late for rocky anyway, so i'm just going to stay up. this reminds me of last year, the night before we left for vacation to florida, my brother took me to rocky my very first time. we stayed out at IHOP until about 8AM and then went straight on the plane. XD this year we're headed to colorado, which only makes me think of 3OH!3 and have the urge to listen to Colorado Sunrise while watching one. i have to go and make coffee for the madre as usual, and then cush is picking me up. so my little LJ recap of the past few months of my life is done for now. :D but whenever i get a chance i will post again and talk about work some more, i didn't even get into this year's foreigners. XD and there's a LOT to say about a couple of them. XD
Current Mood: calmcalm
30 March 2009 @ 11:19 pm
Eleven eleven and I'm thinking of you even though you're thinking of her. I guess this just about sums up our entire relationship. You wish you had never met her, and in some ways I wish I had never met you. You used me, at least have the balls to admit it. This hurts less the second time around, but still fucking hurts. You still want to be friends, big surprise there. I don't know if I can do it. I love you, even if you can never get your heart back from her. It's hopeless to want you still but it's not like I can help it. You can't expect me to be happy, how dare you ask me if I'm mad at you. What did you think was going to happen, we'd be perfectly fine pretending that everything's alright? Maybe you're okay with this, but I'm not. I told myself I could let you go if I needed to. Now I guess I have to put it to the test.
Current Mood: listlesslistless
29 March 2009 @ 04:43 pm
Much much fun. I stayed home on Thursday, but had to go to school Friday so I would be allowed to go to Angela's birthday party that day. I went to the boardwalk after school with Paige Mary and Bri, they all got hired and I told Hank I was coming back to work there again. I was supposed to go to Babies-R-Us with Mary to get a present for Jess, but her mom couldn't drive us. Then I met up with Mike, and we went to Angela's for the party. It was a lot of fun, and I still think that chocolate fountains are the best inventions ever. Mike came home with me and I convinced my mom to let him stay over for once. We stayed up super late, but of course I woke up by twelve. If I had been actually thinking and had not been distracted by him, I could have gone to Jess's baby shower at three. But instead I totally forgot it was Saturday, and thought it was Sunday. So we just hung around for a while until he went home, then I realized I was really late. I told Jess I couldn't make it, but I would drop off the present after my brother got his car jumped. I got a cute little blanket at Kohl's and dropped it off at her house. Vinny was there with her and I thought it would be awkward, but it wasn't. Then I stayed home and watched some tv with my mom before heading to bed. Woke up today still feeling sick, and I really need to steal that Vick's stuff from Mike so I can breathe. My computer's still not working, so I'm getting on my dad's whenever I can. It's been almost six months since it stopped working, and I'm surprised I'm not more upset about it. I was in the beginning, but I guess it's better for me to not be sitting on the computer all day anyway. Only now I'm usually sitting around watching tv with my mom all day. XD Like I am right now. America's Next Top Model marathons are on every Sunday, all day long. :D
24 March 2009 @ 04:33 pm
a few weeks later and i'm more than alright. it was hell there for a while, but things are back to normal. this normal is different from before, but similar to these past few months. things are alright with us, we're tentative and unsure but we hide it well. i pretend that i have no doubts, no questions, no feelings of betrayal still lingering around. i wish i could know what you're thinking, how you feel. you're so hard to read and it bothers me that i don't know how to fix things or if they even need it. there are moments between us where i'm unsure what to do because it feels like old times and then i remember that it's different. then i think, what's so different about it? so you left me for a few days to sort yourself out and figure out that you aren't still in love with your ex-girlfriend. still pretty shitty that you ditched me so fast to do it, but how do i know what was going through your head? you answered my questions, apologized, and gave me my time to think it over. what more do i want? for it to have never happened maybe, but it's done now. i think the best i can do is leave it alone and not let it ruin what's left. what i can't figure out is if it's a good thing to let this go, or if it's a mistake that i'm going to regret later.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: the taste of ink; the used.
09 March 2009 @ 10:02 pm
today was the shittiest day i've had in a long while. i don't even want to think about it, but i can't get it out of my head. i was just a replacement for another. he tells me that he doesn't want me to think that everything that happened between us was fake, then ten minutes later he's back with her. a little fucked up, that he didn't even have the decency to be honest about it. i don't know what to say or do when i see him tomorrow. avoiding him seems like a good plan, but that's not going to work forever. i just don't think i can face it yet.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
02 November 2008 @ 07:19 pm
So I'm a little late, as it was written a few months ago, but still. This is only one of the reasons he's my absolute favorite.

It's been a while since I've posted. There's really nothing for me to post about that isn't terribly pathetic and/or depressing. Because I suck that much. XD I'm trying to focus on designing right now instead of writing, but who knows. If I get the inspiration then I'll finish up some stuff.

I also made my friend a pretty sweet mixtape, but it's too big for me to upload to FileDen, so there goes my idea of putting it up here. >.>
Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: PHOTOFINNISH; 3OH!3.
28 October 2008 @ 06:46 pm
oh, how I love these boys.